Feeling Unproductive? It Might Be a Relationship Problem

A therapist explains how we waste energy worrying about people’s reactions

Source: Canva

When people feel like they’ve stalled on their goals, they tend to blame it on a couple of things. A lack of willpower. The need for habit formation. Unrealistic societal expectations that lead to burnout.

As a therapist, let me suggest a different possibility: your relationships.

As a human, you can put your mental and emotional energy in one of two directions:

1. Towards being the person you want to be.
2. Towards being the person others want you to be.

Because we’re social creatures, much of our energy is bound up in our relationships. We want approval, assurance, or agreement. And we want to avoid disapproval or distress in others. So our actions are influenced by the reactions or the potential reactions of others.

Don’t believe me? Think about how much time you spend doing these things:

• Wondering if someone finds you annoying.
• Looking for signs of distress in others.
• Trying to convince people you’re right.
• Worrying someone might react negatively to you.