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Why You Assume You’re Annoying Everyone

How to worry less about what people think of you

Kathleen Smith
Forge
3 min readDec 1, 2021

Source: Canva

Humans spend a great deal of energy trying not to annoy each other. Maybe you don’t ask the boss an important question when she’s grumpy. Or you wait to text a date back so you don’t seem desperate.

And yes, we’ve all deleted those extra exclamation marks from an email lest we terrify people with our zeal.

Detecting distress in others is our evolutionary heritage. If our ancestors upset people, they might be cast out of the social group, which jeopardized their ability to survive. While the stakes might not be as high in modern times, our brains and bodies still sound the alarm if someone may not like us.

As individuals we vary in how “other-focused” we are. The more sensitive you are to the emotional reactivity of others, the more you may assume you are the cause of this disturbance. Maybe you know your mother is frowning by the sound of her voice, or you start sweating when a colleague is even slightly peeved in a meeting.

People who worry a lot about annoying others tend to do two things: they avoid, and they overfunction for others.

Avoiding could look like:

  • Not inviting friends to do things.
  • Not initiating…

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Forge
Forge

Published in Forge

A former publication from Medium on personal development. Currently inactive and not taking submissions.

Kathleen Smith
Kathleen Smith

Written by Kathleen Smith

Kathleen Smith is a therapist and author of the books Everything Isn’t Terrible and True to You. She writes about anxiety, relationships, and Bowen theory.

Responses (11)

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People who worry a lot about annoying others tend to do two things: they avoid, and they overfunction for others.

I didn't give you permission to write about me.

But you do ensure that the people drawn towards you will appreciate what’s real about you, and not just what’s negotiable.

This is why we need to learn how to live as ourselves. When we live true to who we are, we’ll attract the right people and repel the wrong.

Great perspective