Just Let People Be Anxious
A therapist explains how to stay calm without trying to control others
As we all relearn how to interact with other humans, many are finding other people’s emotions more contagious than ever. If you’re not paying attention, you might begin to feel over-responsible for their anxiety.
One of the first lessons I learned as a therapist was that the more quickly you try to calm someone down, the less effective you become at helping them. This is because quick reassurance or advice are often more about managing our own distress than they are about being a resource to someone.
So how do you stay in the room with an anxious person without trying to calm them down?
Focus on Being a Less-Anxious Presence
When people are anxious, we often tell them what to think or how to feel. This can calm people down temporarily, but it doesn’t increase a person’s capacity to think for themselves or manage their anxiety. The rush to reassure or soothe can make us more sensitive to each other’s panic, and less able to distinguish our thoughts and emotions from the other person’s.
Instead of reassuring or calming others, you could try:
- Asking questions that help them think.
