Joint Accounts

When Your Partner Has Old-Fashioned Money Views

How to handle tension over who should pick up the check

Illustration: Laurie Rollitt

Welcome to Joint Accounts, a weekly advice column about money and relationships of all kinds. Have a question? Email jointaccounts@medium.com.

Dear Joint Accounts,

I’ve been with my current boyfriend for two years. I’m a woman in my fifties and retired, with a secure monthly pension; he’s seven years younger and works as a contractor. Something that’s been a constant source of tension in our relationship is his old-fashioned attitude about money. When he’s working, he likes to pay for everything, and I usually let him.

When he’s between jobs, though, I pick up the check. And while he’s appreciative, he’s also vocal about not liking it. During those periods, he even wants to see me less because he’s so uncomfortable with me paying. I’ll likely always have more money than him—how do I stop this from driving a wedge between us?

— Financially stable, romantically stressed

There’s nothing wrong with a significant other picking up the tab as a gesture of kindness. But if a partner takes that too far and makes you feel like you’re not allowed to pay or like they have a problem with your ability to outearn them, that’s a different story. It can have a happy ending, but it will take some communication and open-mindedness.

Let’s start by giving your boyfriend the benefit of the doubt. It’s easy to assume that if a man is uncomfortable with his wife or girlfriend paying, it must mean he’s a sexist neanderthal. But his issue might be a bit more complicated than that. “Men are socialized to believe that our value comes from our ability to care for a partner,” says Adam Kol, a financial relationship coach. “And this includes money.” In other words, your boyfriend might be hung up on his own money situation. Perhaps he’s not living up to his financial goals, which is making him feel ashamed or embarrassed. I certainly felt this way when I lost a job. While I was unemployed, my husband kindly insisted on paying for every meal. It was sweet of him, but it made me uncomfortable because all I could think about was the fact that I couldn’t afford the meal on my own. It’s…