Two Words That Undermine Your Best Ideas

How using ‘I feel’ to either soften a statement or preempt a counter-argument can backfire

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In the early days of humankind, the way to resolve a difference of opinion was to bash the other person’s head with a rock. Fortunately, we’re now able to handle most conflicts with our words.

But in order to hash out differences — or even better, to build off one another’s viewpoints and make conflict productive — we need to express our thinking clearly. That means choosing the right words.

I have become concerned about a linguistic habit that I hear everywhere, from casual conversations to serious confrontations. It sounds like this:

• “I feel like things are going to get better.”
• “I feel that the sales team is too bloated.”
• “I feel like Bob doesn’t like me.”
• “I feel that we should go with Plan A.”

Each of these four sentences conflates what the person feels with what they think. None of them are actually expressions of an emotion or a physical feeling, which means each phrase is inaccurate.

• “I feel like things are going to get better.” No, you can’t feel a prediction about the future.