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Resilience Is Overrated
In the non-linear trajectory of life, change is vital
In recent years, resilience — or “grit” — has emerged as the ultimate self-help virtue. As John Patrick Leary recently wrote in Teen Vogue, the “resilience industry acknowledges that we all go through rough patches, but it insists that our setbacks will only make us stronger,” which clearly appeals in these unpredictable (and deeply unequal) times. But in reality, how we respond to big changes—rough patches and achieving dreams, alike—does not follow a straight path or timeline. The idea that life is a series of stages that we pass through in a certain order is worse than misleading — it’s detrimental to our wellbeing.
So argues Bruce Feiler in his latest book, Life Is In the Transitions: Mastering Change at Any Age. To make the most of our circumstances, we have to embrace the unpredictability of change and let go of expectations around when transitional moments can or should happen. More than ever, transitions—or what Feiler calls ‘lifequakes’—are a significant part of life.
Forge recently talked to Feiler about challenging our attachment to resilience and linear narratives, and how the stories we tell ourselves can define our outcomes.
The interview below has been edited and condensed for clarity.
You’re critical of the idea of “bouncing back” from disappointment. But isn’t that what happens when we get through a tough situation? What’s wrong with this outlook?
The shapes of our lives are much more complicated than we think. And I want to liberate people from the expectation of an exclusively linear shape.
I’m very grumpy about the word “resilience.” It’s actually a physics term and it comes from a spring. The spring [is pulled] out and the spring shows resilience when it goes back [into place].
But that isn’t how life works. We might go back to where we were [pre-disruption], but just as often we go sideways or four ways, or in a new direction entirely.
Something that’s really important to me is to accept the fact that as long as
we’re going to have to go through these lifequakes more frequently, as long as we’re all going through a transition now together, we have to view these not as…
