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‘Paying Attention’ Is Overrated
Why connection is more important, and how to achieve it
Life during lockdown has demanded constant, unwavering attention. Zooms beget Zooms: school committees, work meetings, happy hours. They blur together, and I find myself zoning out as I nod along with the other disembodied heads.
And then there are my children, stalking me while I’m trying to finish some work, looking over my shoulder, breathing their cheesy-popcorn breath in my face, until I snap my laptop shut and sweetly say, “How can I help you, dearest offspring,” which, weirdly, comes out of my mouth as, “What do you want?”
They want my attention, of course they do. All. The. Time.
I’ve honed the art of being attentive without actually engaging. I know how to point my eyes at whatever I’m supposed to be looking at, mutter small affirmations, interject with mm-hmmm or ha ha (ideally not during a part where someone’s pet hamster dropped dead).
But over these many months marooned on the island of home, I have finally figured out that paying attention is highly overrated. The thing that all our families, friendships, and endeavors really need is connection.
People who maintain close relationships are the ones who are happiest and healthiest. In the Before Times, I would have said that yes, I had many close relationships; after all, there were a lot of people in my life, which was so busy: school, work, yoga, play rehearsal, soccer practice, grocery store, concert, drinks, conference. I texted friends, they texted back, we tried and failed to make dinner plans, but we believed dinner would happen eventually.
I would have said that I paid more than enough attention to my life and the people in it, thank you very much. But attention is the emotional equivalent of being busy: it’s the data entry of relationships. It is no substitute for connection.
Here’s the difference:
