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No Amount of Success Will Calm You Down
A therapist explains how to wean yourself from needing praise
Are successful people less anxious? It all depends on how you define success.
It’s impossible to look at a person and tell how much chronic anxiety they carry. This is because humans are masters at using anything and everything to appear high-functioning. For many people, overachieving is the fastest way to manage anxiety. But it’s not the most effective.
We chase after approval, attention, and achievement because they provide a short-term boost to our mood and functioning. We convince ourselves that if we can just finish the next degree, earn the promotion, or impress our family, we’ll finally be able to relax. Only to relearn that the high of achievement has a short half-life.
Have you ever used any of these things to temporarily manage anxiety?
- Praise from a boss or teacher
- Attention on social media
- Being treated as the expert in the room
- Feeling very busy
- Approval from your family
Overachieving may calm you down, but it doesn’t increase your ability to self-regulate your anxiety. It also leaves your well-being dependent on a variable you can’t control — other humans. Because in American culture, success is less about how we conduct ourselves, and more about earning positive reactions from others.
People learn to manage anxiety when they are less willing to rely on others to boost their mood and functioning. When they define success as a growing alignment between what they believe and how they behave. In the therapy world, this is called differentiation of self.
Differentiation looks like:
- Learning to evaluate yourself more objectively.
- Creating your own definition of what good work looks like.
- Pursuing your values and interests regardless of attention.
- Holding onto important beliefs despite disapproval from others.
- Relying less on reassurance from others.
It seems like a paradox, but the people who need less approval and attention from others tend to have closer, more supportive relationships. They are able to appreciate a kind word from a friend, or a positive evaluation from their boss, because they don’t need it to drag themselves out of bed the next morning.
Learning to detangle anxiety-relief from success frees people up to pursue their interests and accomplish goals with less emotional reactivity. They may begin to see disappointment and failure as manageable and even essential to their growth.
So before you chase after the next big thing, ask yourself, “How can I be more responsible for my anxiety along the way?” If you have a plan, then you’re less likely to chase after the quick relief of attention or approval. And if you’re lucky, you may find that the real reward is in the doing.
