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‘Toxic Friend’ Is a Toxic Label
Are we too quick to throw away difficult relationships?
Not long ago, I had a small confrontation with a friend. Or at least, it started small: I was annoyed that she kept canceling plans, and I’d finally reached a breaking point. When I told her it bothered me, she rattled off some things I did that bothered her, too. Quickly, the exchange morphed from me getting something off my chest to me getting into a fight.
It was stressful, but none of it was particularly earth-shattering. Friends fight sometimes. We made up and moved on. So when I told another friend about it later, I was taken aback by their advice. I should consider ending things, they told me, adding: “She sounds toxic.”
Until that moment, I’d never thought to describe anyone in my life as “toxic,” even though it’s a label I’ve heard tossed around quite a bit. I’ve had fraught relationships, sure. Like anyone, I’ve struggled with feeling overburdened and underappreciated by people in my life. But “toxic,” at least the way we use it now, implies a certain grave finality: You spot the toxic person, and then you cut them out.
But while we may understand that sequence of events as clear-cut, the word “toxic” itself is anything but. “‘Toxic’ is really just an easy shorthand to describe a situation, relationship, or…
