How to Need Less Approval and Attention from Others
A therapist explains how to build a stronger sense of self
As humans, we often use our relationships to manage anxiety. We borrow confidence, calmness, or reassurance from our family, friends, or even strangers on the Internet. And we are quick to lend them back when others are distressed.
There’s nothing wrong with supporting each other, but too much reliance on “borrowing self” can weaken a few skills:
- Your ability to evaluate yourself.
- Your ability to regulate your own anxiety.
- Your ability to tolerate others’ anxiety.
When you lose the ability to be more objective about yourself, you rely on others responding to you in a positive way. You need agreement, approval, attention from others to feel like you’re living a good life or doing good work.
The trouble is, people’s willingness to indulge this need will vary over time. Your cheerleader boss might leave and be replaced with someone more hands off. Your partner might get tired of walking you through every bad mood. Or a friend might not be able to answer every panicked text.
The more we rely on approval and attention, the more life is like a rollercoaster ride. We ride the highs when…
