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How to Make the Internet Kinder
Social media isn’t making us less kind, but it makes kindness harder
In the lead-up to the 2016 election, like many other Americans, I found myself spending hours each day discussing politics on social media. Although at the time it felt so urgent, I think it’s safe to say that nothing was actually gained from these exchanges between strangers and far-flung family members.
Part of the problem was that the fear of what might happen if the election went one way or the other made everything seem so urgent that there was no time to listen. I found myself constantly thinking about whether it was a fundamental lack of understanding that had led to the country’s massive division and wondering what role gamified conversation had played.
Looking back, it seems clear that we often got stuck because we were trying to force feelings of empathy onto one another — for the poor white working class, for Mexican immigrants, for people who felt forgotten by past presidents, for people who feared for their future under this one — through a medium that wasn’t built for it.
Empathy — at its most basic, the ability to imagine the feelings of another — is often described as a salve for divisions in American culture. In recent years, it has come to also be seen as a skill that can — and arguably must — be learned and practiced. It’s not just about social harmony; empathy makes us better people.
A 2018 study compared self-reported empathy scores from more than 9,000 people with the respondents’ performance level in 31 different abilities. The people who scored higher in empathy also scored much higher in reading body language, conflict-resolution skills, resilience, and standing by their values. They were happier, hardier, and more optimistic. They were better at asserting their needs and expressing their feelings. There was only one scale where non-empathetic people scored higher: Need for Approval.
So, what happens to our empathy reserves when so much of life happens online? We obviously don’t have self-reported empathy scores from everyone who regularly uses social or immersive technology, but it’s clear that there are few better places to see “need for approval” on display than the platforms that keep people coming…
