Joint Accounts

How to Be an Ethical Sugar Daddy

When you want to do expensive things with your partner, but you’re the only one in the relationship who can afford them

Illustration: Laurie Rollitt

Welcome to Joint Accounts, a weekly advice column about money and relationships of all kinds. Have a question? Email jointaccounts@medium.com.

Dear Joint Accounts,

I’m a mid-30s gay man and I’ve finally arrived in my career to the point where I’m making decent money. I like taking lots of trips, eating good food, and drinking nice cocktails. I also want to share that with a boyfriend or lover. But often, when I’m dating younger guys, they’re less far along in their career and don’t make as much money. I’ve dabbled in the sugar-daddy dynamic a bit, paying for everything we did together, and honestly, I kind of liked it. Sometimes, I want to do fancy things with a guy and I don’t want his financial situation to stop us. But with the #MeToo movement and my awareness of how power and money influence a relationship, how do I be an ethical sugar daddy? And how do I create the right boundaries so I also don’t get taken advantage of? How do I have these conversations with a partner?

—Ethical Sugar Daddy

First things first, let’s define what we’re talking about. The act of sugaring is simply offering a financial benefit — tuition repayment, fancy meals, expensive trips — to another person you’re dating.

That doesn’t sound too bad, right? But sugar-daddy dynamics rarely play out neatly. The term itself implies a parent-child relationship rather than an equal partnership between two adults. And when that equality is in question, problems arise. For example, as you mentioned, the person receiving the financial benefit might take advantage of the affluent person in the relationship. Or maybe money is being used as a form of emotional abuse.

It doesn’t sound like you enjoy this situation because of the power dynamics, though — you just enjoy doing fancy things and sharing those experiences. When my husband and I first started dating, I felt the same way: I wanted to go to nice restaurants, but he was broke. So when I craved a fancier meal, I suggested the spot and was happy to pay the…