Your Pandemic Sadness Is Called ‘Ambiguous Loss’

Therapist Pauline Boss explains why it’s harder to grieve in the face of uncertainty—and why ambiguous loss is everywhere in 2021

Jude Ellison S. Doyle
Forge
Published in
5 min readAug 17, 2021

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A man drinks coffee alone and stares out his window. It’s about as fun as you’d think.
We’re stuck mourning a world that isn’t gone, but also isn’t here. Photo by Nubelson Fernandes on Unsplash

I spent most of the pandemic grieving, though, at the time, I didn’t think I was sad about the pandemic itself. Everyone around me seemed to have specific losses. Their loved ones had died, or they had long Covid. They had friends they couldn’t see or jobs they’d lost. I was isolated before lockdown — I’d moved to a new town where I didn’t know anyone, and having a toddler made it hard to socialize — and my job was never at risk. My family was lucky; the virus mostly passed us by.

So there wasn’t any clear reason for the sorrow that overwhelmed me. I spent lockdown obsessing over incidents from ten or twenty years ago, getting teary-eyed during uneventful family dinners. Certain memories came back so often I could set my watch by them: A childhood friend who skipped town and seemingly disappeared, or my estranged biological father, who was diagnosed with dementia, making reconciliation effectively impossible. The grief was obsessive, repetitive, embarrassing. I couldn’t move on, no matter what I tried. I wore myself out with sadness, got sick of my own sadness, and I was still sad.

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Jude Ellison S. Doyle
Jude Ellison S. Doyle

Written by Jude Ellison S. Doyle

Author of “Trainwreck” (Melville House, ‘16) and “Dead Blondes and Bad Mothers” (Melville House, ‘19). Columns published far and wide across the Internet.

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