Why We Want What Other People Have

Making choices based on the desires of others is a part of human nature. But there are ways to counteract the force.

Illustration credit: Liana Finck

Nearly everyone (unconsciously) assumes there’s a straight line between them and the things they want.

I wake up one day and “suddenly” decide that I want to run a marathon. (Amazingly, all of my friends had a similar realization when they hit their midthirties, too.)

I get the brilliant idea that starting a podcast is objectively the best way to talk about big ideas, and I arrive at this decision based on all the “data.” (Right around the time that everyone else seems to be arriving at the same conclusion.)

I decide to get a dog during the pandemic because, well, I’ve been wanting a dog for a long time, and now seems like as good a time as ever. (Nevermind that I’m the only one in my friend group who hasn’t adopted one yet, and they share pictures of their puppies on Instagram on a daily basis.)

In each of these cases, I’ve convinced myself that my desire is independent and autonomous. I want to pursue something because it “just makes sense,” or it’s the right thing to do, or it’s what I authentically desire—my personal pathway to fulfillment.