When Trying to Be Helpful Is a Mental Trap
A therapist explains how solving other people’s problems can become an unhealthy form of stress relief
Pretty much everyone’s heard that famous Mr. Rogers quote: “Look for the helpers.” But when you’re a therapist, you quickly learn that the helpers are not always what they appear to be.
In our relationships, as I tell my therapy clients, there are two kinds of helping: anxious helping and thoughtful helping. Anxious helping is more about our own inability to tolerate stress than it is about serving or leading others. This is because being over-responsible for others, sometimes called over-functioning, is one of the quickest ways to calm yourself down.
Over-functioning can look like:
- Directing people because they seem anxious
- Taking over because you can do something better
- Giving advice before anyone asks for it
- Assuming you know what people need
Over-functioners are often the oldest child in a family. They’re the ones who feel comfortable in leadership positions, but struggle to let others stumble through a task. They might seem calm on the outside, but that calmness is dependent on being able to diagnose or direct the people…
