When ‘Guess’ Parents Have ‘Ask’ Children
How the Ask versus Guess divide explains the complicated reality of growing up Asian American
“Uncle, can I take your plate to the kitchen?” That’s what my cousin asked my father after a grand dinner to welcome her family to our home upon their arrival from Taiwan. So polite, my mom said. Such good manners, my dad added.
My eight-year-old sister and I, then 10, didn’t say anything — we just excused ourselves and ran off to the living room to get our weekly dose of The Incredible Hulk. Our teenaged cousin soon joined us, her hands still damp from helping to wash the dishes. She had many questions about the large green man occupying our attention.
The next evening, after my cousin’s family had left, my father unexpectedly told my sister and I that bedtime would be early, with no TV — and declined to explain why. From his perspective, the message was painfully clear: We should have been volunteering to wash the dishes every night, the way our cousin did.
This incident was typical of our relationship with our parents, in a household with few explicit rules or clearly stated boundaries. While my mother and father had plenty of goals and expectations for my sister and me, they generally believed it was each of our individual responsibilities…
