The New Self-Help

What Women Give Up to Be a ‘Culture Fit’ at Work

For women who aspire to lead, authenticity is an impossible demand

This story is part of The New Self-Help: 21 Books for a Better You in the 21st Century.

Amanda is in her midthirties and has worked in finance and tech — industries that are dominated by men. She has developed a work uniform of dark button-downs and black pants that fit well but not too well. She tries to slow her cadence in order to be taken more seriously. She drapes her jacket over her chair to make herself appear larger and more commanding.

“I have gotten distracted in meetings trying to do these fucking power poses,” she says with a laugh. But by all appearances, the performance is believable. Amanda has ascended to the highest level of her tech company. Plus, she seems genuinely well-liked by her peers.

And yet, Amanda admits that she’s exhausted. It’s not the demanding job that is depleting her; she thrives on that pressure. She’s tired because she’s constantly doing a well-curated performance of leadership that is not entirely authentic to who she is.

This trap — the pursuit of likeability at the expense of authenticity — is arguably the biggest and the most all-encompassing pitfall for women who aspire to lead. To be a leader we must be authentic, but others either see our authentic selves as not-leaderly, or they see our authentic selves as leaderly but unlikeable. No wonder Amanda feels tired.

When “be yourself” means “be what I was expecting”

Many companies have embraced the call to allow employees to bring their “whole selves” to work — to show up in a way that is vulnerable, true, and authentic to them. But often, in practice, “Be yourself” turns out to mean “Be a little bit more of what I was expecting.” This can be doubly true for women with a minority status, in addition to gender.

As a Latina, I am often given the impression — and on occasion have been told — that I would benefit professionally from being more, to quote Cardi B, “spicy mami, hot tamale” and less Latina-ish Liz Lemon. I’ve spoken to many other women who have similar stories.