Why I Stopped Being a ‘Nice Guy’
Men have to dig deep to uncover the sources of our hidden misogyny
I spent most of my twenties in New York chasing women. With my shy, sensitive demeanor, they thought I was safe: a “nice guy.” “Boyfriend material.” But I see now that I was less interested in a relationship than the validation of a woman’s desire. Once I had it, I lost interest. I’d run off looking for the next person to give me that rush of being wanted and needed, then the next. Each time, I became deeply depressed.
I didn’t realize it at the time, but I had become a straight white male cliché. On Reddit, for example, there’s a thriving page devoted to screenshots of self-proclaimed “nice guys” who think their docility should entitle them to getting their emotional and sexual needs met by women — or, alternately, who meet women’s rebukes with righteous indignity or threats. The posts range from comically un-self-aware to alarmingly hateful, bursting with misogynistic rage. I’m not proud to admit that, sometimes, they hit a little close to home.
The idea of the nice guy isn’t new. In his 2003 book No More Mr. Nice Guy, the psychotherapist Robert A. Glover identifies the “nice guy” as a real-life archetype he’s noticed among some of his male patients. The “nice guy,” according to Glover, appears pleasant, agreeable, seemingly…
