There’s a Price to Pay for Emotional Validation
It’s easy to ask someone else for permission. A therapist explains how to grant it to yourself.
Lately, many of my therapy clients have asked some version of the same question: “It’s okay to not have it all together, right?”
It’s a question I’m seeing plenty of in my personal life, too. I’m on a group text with friends where we regularly send photos of towering laundry piles and chaotic kitchens, or confess that we had tater tots for dinner again. It’s cathartic to read their messages, to see the mess of other peoples’ lives instead of the tidy lies posted to social media. And, of course, it’s comforting to seek — and get — validation for our own perceived shortcomings.
There’s nothing wrong with wanting that validation. We all want to feel understood and supported when we’re in distress. But it’s worth asking ourselves: What’s the trade-off? What do I lose when I need a text from a friend, or a nod from my therapist, to justify my own decisions?
Many of my clients look to me for permission to make the decisions they want to make, and I’m usually tempted to comfort them by granting it. But when I feel myself about to fall into that trap, I remind them that my thinking is not more powerful than their own. I challenge them to…
