Member-only story
The Question That Will Save Your Relationship
A simple way to choose your battles
I write about relationships, and over the years, have interviewed so many experts that I’ve lost count. Now that the Covid-19 pandemic has forced my family together 24/7 — and tensions frequently erupt around housework, homework, and personal space — I’ve found one piece of advice to be particularly life-changing.
The advice, courtesy of the New York City time management expert Julie Morgenstern, is simple. If a family member does something to annoy me (which, if I’m being honest, is happening hourly these days) I should ask myself one question before opening my mouth to protest: What does it cost me? Is my husband or child’s action costing me anything, or is it merely irritating?
According to Morgenstern, cost falls under one of three categories: time; money, or energy; and health. “These are the three most valuable assets we have in the pursuit of our goals,” she said when I recently phoned her. “If it doesn’t cost one of those resources, it’s likely just annoying — and therefore, not worth the fight.”
Here’s an example. In our household, I usually make dinner, and my husband Tom does the dishes. After dinner, he inevitably announces he is “letting the dishes soak” while he settles on the couch with his phone. I, on the other…
