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The Problem With Labeling One Person as the Problem
A therapist explains how to think differently about your relationship challenges.
Humans are cause-and-effect thinkers. We like to point at one person, or a group of people, and say, “Here is the problem.”
But our relationship systems are much more complex than that. We all are constantly reacting to each other, so thinking about your part in the process is more useful than trying to recruit others into changing.
When people label others as the problem, they tend to say things like:
- He needs to learn to be more responsible.
- She needs to not be so sensitive.
- They just can’t do it on their own.
- She needs to stop being so critical.
- My life would be fine if they’d just get along.
We set ourselves up for trouble with when our fate depends on people behaving better. Your mood will rise and dip rather steeply when people are cooperating with your thinking or not.
As a therapist, I observe how putting an anxious focus on another person is rarely helpful. When we try to get people to change, they often will double down on the behavior that’s causing so much trouble. In other words, we…
