The Hot Gift of 2019 Is Money
One size fits all. Even Grandma.
You can improve anything if you make it more like a mafia wedding. Even Christmas.
It’s true. What are you doing this Christmas? Gathering with family? Mainlining spiced cider? Making your annual, singular pilgrimage to the local polydenominational church? Those are all fine diversions. But at its core, American Christmas is an exercise in cold hard, transactional capitalism.
This suits me just fine, as I am a capitalist myself (the passive kind, which is also maybe the worst kind). I like money. I like wasting money on wasteful shit. Christmas accommodates that particular dynamic with an efficiency that borders on the obscene.
In fact, given that obscenity, why bother with the pomp and circumstance aspect of Christmas at all? Money is the best Christmas gift. It’s the only Christmas gift. You should give it to people more often. No need to put it under the tree, or to lovingly tuck it into a stocking. Just stick some cash — beautiful, beautiful cash — in a plain envelope and hand it over while you munch on a few of Granny’s meringue mushrooms.
This post is not satire. I’m not extolling the virtues of money as a Christmas gift in some grand wink to remind you that all the intangible shit you encounter this holiday season is what truly…
