Stop Trying to Win an Argument
Communication tips from a recovering arguing addict
When I was a kid, there was one thing I constantly heard from adults: “I’ll bet you plan to be a lawyer when you grow up.”
This was, of course, a polite way of observing that I argued incessantly. I argued with my brothers and my parents and my aunts and uncles and grandparents. I argued with teachers and babysitters. I argued with enemies and friends. And friends who, over the course of our arguing, became enemies.
I was blessed (?) with that natural-born arguer’s combination of stubbornness and insecurity. No subject was too trivial: My frenemy Brian Danforth and I once spent months arguing over whether the TV show Fantasy Island was filmed on an actual island. (Ah, the purity of arguments in the time before Google.)
Words were weapons. If I used them deftly enough, I would overpower the enemy and they would have to admit that they were wrong and I was right. I would win.
This addiction to arguing lasted into adulthood. I didn’t become a lawyer, but I did become a writer with, well, a lot of opinions. While that can be good on the page, I’ve come to realize that in my actual interactions with actual people, empathy works a lot better than anger.
