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Self-Compassion Doesn’t Always Mean Being Gentle
How a healthy dose of ferocity promotes healing and growth
“You need to calm down,” someone recently said to me on a phone call. “You’re making a huge deal out of nothing.” Adrenaline coursed through my arms and legs, like my body wanted me to run.
Normally, I’d bow out of the conversation to avoid conflict, make a mental note not to bring up personal topics with that person again, and recover with some self-care –– a hot bath, a walk through the neighborhood, or a chat with a supportive friend.
As I internally grappled with how to respond, I pictured myself as a kid, gaslit into doubting my feelings by abusive family members. This time, I decided, setting a clear boundary was the self-care. I took a deep breath and mustered up some courage. “I can’t let you talk to me that way,” I replied, firmly. “If you’re going to discount my feelings, then I’ll have to end the conversation.”
I’ve always viewed self-care as a way to respond to emotional turmoil, not as a way to prevent it. In a recent session, though, my therapist helped me realize taking care of myself sometimes means getting a little ferocious. Those boundaries I set with a gaslighting relative don’t just prevent harmful behavior; they also send an important message to both them and me ––…
