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If You Want to Help Others, You Must Learn to Say ‘No’
To be there for other people, we can’t abdicate our agency
My work as an activist and advocate sits at the intersection of race, gender, and class, with a particular focus on family and community. But I can’t show up for others to do this work unless I take care of myself.
To effectively care for myself, I have to be aware of myself. Self-awareness is critical for us individually, but it’s also critical to having workable relationships. Identifying and understanding our boundaries—key in our relationships with others—requires self-awareness.
I used to think of boundaries as a response to enact when people tried to impose upon me or demand something of me that I didn’t want to give. That’s not wrong, but it’s not the whole story. Boundaries are what we want and don’t want. Boundaries help us recognize what is or isn’t ours. In the midst of conflict or charged interactions, boundaries help us discern which baggage is ours to carry and unpack, and what is someone else’s.
Saying “no” is an interpersonal responsibility
Shawna Sodersten, a marriage and family therapist, puts it this way: “One of the basic principles of boundaries work is to understand who is in charge of what, who is…
