The Thing That Might Be Standing Between You and Work-Life Balance
Company policies and societal norms play a role in overwork — but so do you
Are you swamped at work? If your answer to that is yes, you’re not alone.
The last two years sparked a much-needed discussion about the structural, societal, and economic factors that force people to work way too hard. The pandemic has revealed how a lack of things like paid sick leave, parental leave, and accessible healthcare — coupled with an over-identification with work as a source of meaning—has left people sick, burned out, and unhappy. Cue the Great Resignation, or as I’ve called it: a collective “not this” moment.
But there’s another thing that can stand in the way of a healthy relationship with work, and that’s your own relationship to work itself. Going further, we might even call this personal responsibility.
It’s funny because, in hyper-reactive left-wing internet circles — some might use the word “woke” here—personal responsibility has become sort of a dirty phrase. Mention it and you might be accused of denying or ignoring all the ways that the government policies and societal expectations are to blame for people’s woes and instead blaming oppressed individuals themselves.
But like almost anything, this is not an “either or” issue—it’s a “both, and” issue. Both economic and societal factors force people (especially Americans) to work way too hard at the cost of their well-being, and our own validation-seeking behavior can create a situation where we find it very difficult to follow through on the kinds of boundaries that would improve our work-life balance. The two reinforce each other. Hence all the people working way too hard.
A star employee
Everyone has a colleague like this: They’re always overworked, sending emails on Saturday, stepping in when someone has dropped the ball, or taking on yet another project despite having an absolutely bursting workload. This person may complain about this all the time, talk about how the company really needs to hire more people, and you may even feel bad comparing your own level of devotion to work to theirs. They are loved by their boss and considered a huge asset to the company which, of course, is no surprise—because they work all the damn time.
If that person walked into a therapist’s office, I’d be willing to bet a hefty sum that their behavior in the office—taking on way too much, cleaning up other people’s messes, doing anything their boss asks even if it’s unreasonable, refusal to take time off—has some roots very early in their life. Though it is far less acknowledged than in romantic relationships, our early life experiences very often shape our attitudes, behaviors, and attachments in the workplace. It is, after all, where we spend most of our time.
I speak from experience here, because I used to be something like that hypothetical colleague. It’s only when I understood why I was doing that, where the impulse to work so damn hard and seek so much external validation came from (hint: childhood!), that I was able to make changes. Doing so had nothing to do with my company or boss. It had everything to do with me.
The source of our overwork
I’m not saying that everyone who has burnout or works way too hard is trying to get their emotional needs met through work and needs to go to therapy (though, frankly, the latter can’t hurt). What I am saying is that we have to be a little more open-minded and honest about where the source of our overwork might be coming from.
One extreme example: You’re working in a company where, if you don’t answer your emails on the weekend, you run the risk of getting fired or not promoted. That is an obvious problem. You may not be able to quit that job this week thanks to your bills, mortgage, children who rely on you, etc. However, if you are seeking a healthier relationship with work, you should do everything in your power to seek a new job as soon as possible. Otherwise, you’re fighting a losing battle and always will be.
However, if you don’t work in that kind of company, and you still find it very difficult not to answer work emails each weekend, then you have to do a little investigative work to figure out what’s going on here. How will it feel to not answer that email, or put out that fire, or save the day? Is that feeling familiar, perhaps something from earlier in your life? What is really preventing you from sticking to that boundary, from lowering your manager’s expectations of you, from taking your full allotted vacation time, from saying “No, I can’t do that because I’m going to my kid’s football game?” It’s possible that your answer here will have little to do with the office.
Of course, patterns matter here more than one-offs. We all have days or perhaps weeks where we work a little too hard, maybe because we’re closing out a project that we really care about, or work is our only constant during a difficult time in our personal lives. But if you find yourself chronically overworked and nothing you try seems to alleviate it, figuring out the source of your problem is important. Leaving room for the possibility that your own emotional needs may be contributing to it is even more important. Meet those emotional needs outside the office, and you might find that working way too hard becomes way less compelling to you.
Everyone is different, and thus everyone’s relationship to work is different. But if we are to find a healthier relationship with work, we can’t just wait until we’re all living in Scandinavia working at perfectly humane companies who respect us as holistic humans. We have to play our role in it, too. Figuring out why you work so hard is a good way to start.
