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Joint Accounts
Is It Ever Okay to Lend Your Partner Money?
It’s almost always a bad idea, but a few ground rules can keep it from ruining your relationship
Welcome to Joint Accounts, a weekly advice column about money and relationships of all kinds. Have a question? Email jointaccounts@medium.com.
Dear Joint Accounts,
My friend’s boyfriend told her he wants to borrow $2,000 for an “act of charity.” What is a tactful way for her to handle that situation if lending money is outside of her comfort zone?
— Uncomfortable Friend
Right now, I’m betting at least a few readers want to lunge through the computer and urge your friend to say no. Personal loans have a sneaky way of changing relationships for the worse, and you don’t have to look very hard to find someone who’s had an awful experience lending to or borrowing from friends or loved ones.
Generally speaking, money can be a tricky thing to talk about between partners. Research has found that money is the biggest relationship stressor, and money-related arguments are a top predictor of divorce. Disagreements over finances can exacerbate other existing issues, in part because money is so inextricably linked to power. When you let a loved one borrow money — whether it’s a friend, boyfriend, spouse, or family member — it creates an awkward power dynamic in what should be an otherwise equal relationship.
A good partner won’t want to be a source of discomfort for someone they love.
If the loan is outside of your friend’s comfort zone, she has no obligation to explain herself beyond a simple “No, I don’t lend money to people, because it makes me uncomfortable.” A good boyfriend or partner will understand this and won’t want to be a source of discomfort for someone they love.
She can also offer nonfinancial support, if she’d like. There are hundreds of ways to lend a hand to someone who’s struggling beyond throwing money at their problem. For example, I’ve helped friends probe their budgets and audit their spending habits. Maybe your friend can help her boyfriend look for loans at a credit union or…
