In the Midst of Chaos, There Is Still One Thing You Can Control
Being kind to yourself is an underrated way to feel more in charge of your life
Have you ever had a stretch of weeks, months, or — god bless you — years where it feels like you’re putting out fires constantly? Like you can’t catch a break? Like the universe is really taking you for a ride?
I realize that, technically, we’ve all been living through that for the past 15 pandemic months. But I’m talking about the mundane things that — when three, four, five of them pile up — really start to test your resilience, sanity, and positive personality traits. An unexpected letter from the IRS. The presence of fleas in the flat you just bought and moved into. A roof that needs replacing. Speaking to lawyers about pending legal matters. One of these you can handle without too much disruption to your life, but all of them at once makes you feel like your life is descending into chaos, and you are just along for the sick, scary ride.
That’s been my life recently: One thing after another makes it easy to start to feel like I have no control. And sure, I have my health (shout out to Pfizer). I still have means to make money and people that love me. But still, as a person with a lifelong history of hypervigilance and perfectionism, these kinds of times test me to my depths. Yes, I’ve been to therapy, but I still loathe feeling out of control, and probably always will.
A few days ago, I realized the narrative that was running wild in my head—my life is in utter chaos and there’s nothing I can do about it!—wasn’t quite true. I was in control of some things. Not the British weather that refuses to turn into a convincing spring, let alone summer. Not the behavior of other people. Not the maddening bureaucracy of the U.S. tax code for expats. But I have control over something: my body.
And so, on that same day, I decided I would exert that control. I would walk 10,000 steps, a habit I had picked up on a post-Covid-recovery health kick earlier this year. I let it slide when the aforementioned chaos descended like a dark cloud and could feel the difference in my sluggish, narrow outlook. I still spent that Tuesday fire-fighting and dealing with all manner of inconveniences I’d rather not. But I’d done one thing I wanted to do: I’d left the house and moved an adequate amount.
I think we underestimate the extent that exerting our own bodily autonomy can double as a profound, even transformational, act of kindness to ourselves. It doesn’t have to be 10,000 steps, which may be a big ask. It can be resolving to drink enough water throughout the day. It can be setting an alarm to drop into your breath three times a day. It can be five or 10 minutes of yoga if you can’t afford 60. But it’s something. It’s a way to say to ourselves: The universe may be hostile, but we remain kind to ourselves.
If you break this idea of bodily autonomy down to its most elemental form, there’s very few things life can throw at you where you have no ability to exert some small act of kindness to yourself in the form of a physical action. A simple glass of water. Placing your hands on your body soothing, calming way. Dropping into the breath for 60 seconds. Making a nourishing breakfast. These things, when done with intention and self-compassion, be a little signal that we have some control here.
I find that three or four of these little-and-often habits interspersed throughout chaos has an accumulative effect. I get to the end of the day and think: I did my steps, I took my supplements, I drank enough water, I got on my yoga mat for 10 minutes, I ate some vegetables for dinner, I did not drink too much wine. Not bad. I can probably do that again tomorrow, even if I have to deal with this mountain of bullshit too. It feels like energetically turning a corner, even if the external conditions are unchanged (aka: still shitty).
I’m not actually sure if or when my life will be the breezy, post-vaccinated fantasy I had imagined, just like I’m not sure when the weather will turn. I expect I will still have to deal with all manner of administrative, bureaucratic, and practical bullshit for the foreseeable future. I can’t control any of it. But I can control a few things, and so that is exactly what I am going to do. Day after day, step after step.
