How to Turn Down Someone’s Request to Be a Reference
A script for saying no with minimal awkwardness
Being asked to serve as someone’s professional reference is a compliment (they care about what you think), but it can also be kind of a drag (one more phone call you need to schedule time for), even as it’s also a small joy (you get to help someone advance their career).
But when you’re not a fan of the person who’s asking, all those other things are rendered irrelevant, replaced with a squirmy sense of dread. You don’t want to say Kyle was a great culture fit but had the tendency to do moderately terrible work. Not to HR, and definitely not to Kyle, who clearly has no idea you feel that way.
In that case, declining is undoubtedly the right thing to do. This is a situation where it’s okay to be selfish. “When you give someone your recommendation, your reputation is on the line,” says attorney Lori B. Duff, who has fielded frequent reference requests throughout her career as a municipal judge. “You’re saying, ‘I’m vouching for this person.’ If things go south in the new position, whoever’s gotten your recommendation is going to put the blame on you.”
And that person, even if they’re an outside recruiter, quietly has a lot of power: In calling you up or reading your letter, they’re not just learning…
