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How to Turn Down Someone’s Request to Be a Reference
A script for saying no with minimal awkwardness
Being asked to serve as someone’s professional reference is a compliment (they care about what you think), but it can also be kind of a drag (one more phone call you need to schedule time for), even as it’s also a small joy (you get to help someone advance their career).
But when you’re not a fan of the person who’s asking, all those other things are rendered irrelevant, replaced with a squirmy sense of dread. You don’t want to say Kyle was a great culture fit but had the tendency to do moderately terrible work. Not to HR, and definitely not to Kyle, who clearly has no idea you feel that way.
In that case, declining is undoubtedly the right thing to do. This is a situation where it’s okay to be selfish. “When you give someone your recommendation, your reputation is on the line,” says attorney Lori B. Duff, who has fielded frequent reference requests throughout her career as a municipal judge. “You’re saying, ‘I’m vouching for this person.’ If things go south in the new position, whoever’s gotten your recommendation is going to put the blame on you.”
And that person, even if they’re an outside recruiter, quietly has a lot of power: In calling you up or reading your letter, they’re not just learning about the person you’re recommending. They’re learning about you, too. They’re forming an impression that may matter if you ever cross paths again.
For that reason, it makes sense to turn down certain recommendation requests, not just for people you know for sure are screwups, but for middling performers as well. “Whenever we write a letter of recommendation or refer somebody, we want to be able to give a glowing review,” says psychologist Goali Saedi Bocci, who often helps clients work through career concerns in her private therapy practice. “If we don’t feel that we can speak really positively to somebody, then it doesn’t make sense.”
Of course, you still want your rejection to be courteous and kind, even if this particular requestee showed up late every day and microwaved salmon in the office kitchen. Here’s how to turn someone down with grace and as little awkwardness as possible.
