How I Finally Learned How to Say ‘No’ (and How You Can, Too)
Nine phrases to try for yourself
I have finally learned how to say “no.” I am 43. It’s taken 25 years of my adult life to get comfortable with these two tiny letters. Why? Three reasons, the combination of which is the perfect storm for someone like me: 1) I am a people pleaser; 2) it’s human nature to be really needy and demanding, even more so now that we’re trapped at home; and 3) We live in a “say yes to life” culture. But, of all the things that the pandemic has taught me, this is probably the most powerful one: “No” is the new “yes.” Let’s break it down:
I am a people pleaser. Maybe you are, too. For many years of my life, if you said the sky was green, I would say, “You know, it does look a little green today.” I would find some speck or ray or shadow of the clearly blue sky to make it true. Hunter. Lime. Olive. Fern. Pick a shade. There must be some green in there. I made it my mission—in a nanosecond—to find the green.
Why? Because I wanted so badly to connect with people. I wanted to belong. I wanted to be part of the group. I wanted to find common ground with you enough that I would blatantly ignore my own eyes in order to agree. Plainly put, it was just easier. I saw zero value in disagreeing. Disagreements lead to conflict. Conflict means arguing. Arguing leads to fighting. I grew up in a house full of fighting, void of boundaries. I just couldn’t do it. I could never muster “no.” “Yes” avoids the ugliness of its opposite.
I was also a gay kid. No need to lay it on thick. I pay my therapist to discuss the trauma of it all; you don’t need to be subjected to it. But, suffice it to say, those of us who grew up lying to ourselves for 20 years are very used to having to pretend to be something—anything—we are not. Net-net, the people-pleasing came naturally to me. Saying “no” meant I would have to stand by an alternative view of the world—or alternative view of the sky—and that was just too much for me to handle. (Note: I want to thank the writer Anne C. Frazier for her work on people-pleasing. It has been truly helpful.)
People are really needy and demanding. Everyone is out to get validation, happiness, love, and acceptance. We’re hard-wired for it. It’s even in our founding Declaration as…
