Member-only story
How to Get Outside of Your Own Head
Use ‘dual awareness’ when your brain won’t let you get on with your day
I could hear my kids whine for snacks and TV shows, but I was missing the mental step that connected the sound to me, a person who could do something about it.
I stayed in my spot on the couch for over an hour, as if in a fugue state. All of my mental energy was focused on only one thing: ruminating on a hurtful conversation I’d had with a relative the day before.
It wasn’t an unfamiliar feeling. More and more frequently, whatever anxiety, sadness, or insecurity I’m facing seems to hijack my entire brain. But that week, my therapist challenged me to face it in a different way — to embrace the tension of admitting I felt like crap while going about my day as normal.
It was like she was asking me to be in two places at once, I told her.
Exactly, she said.
It’s called dual awareness. By learning to pay attention to more than one experience at once it’s possible to acknowledge a feeling without drowning in it. It’s a way to live in the present while simultaneously working through past hurt.
“Dual awareness is the state of having an experiencing self and an observing self present at the same time,” says the Maryland-based therapist Kara Bolling. “I am both having an emotional or physical experience inside, and I am aware of that experience from an outside self at the same time.”
Psychologists use dual awareness to help people with trauma flashbacks, but the principle of holding space for your emotions while being grounded in the moment can work for anyone — especially as we juggle stressors like the pandemic, police brutality, and political unrest. Here’s how to practice it.
Surrender to the feeling
To avoid extremes — and to occupy two mental spaces at the same time — accept whatever you’re experiencing. But what does “accept” even mean in this case?
Grace Dowd, a therapist in Austin, Texas, says people usually adopt one of two misguided perspectives, both of which fall under the vague idea of “acceptance.” Some people (like me) over-identify with a troubling emotion, which usually…
