How Happy Couples Pick Their Battles
New research suggests that sometimes it’s okay to avoid the thorniest topics
In the canon of well-meaning marriage advice—Have a regular date night! Never to go bed angry! Laugh together!—one chestnut stands out as especially unhelpful: Pick your battles.
Which battles are worth picking? How do you know? Can you take a stand after the third time your mother-in-law makes a snotty comment about your life choices? What about the thirtieth? At what point is it fair to tell your partner that you actually do not want to go to dinner at their parents’ this weekend, because every hour you spend absorbing your in-laws’ judgment is another hour that makes you feel like your head is going to pop like a balloon?
“Don’t let irritation fester,” goes another popular piece of advice. “Face problems head-on.” But new research suggests that the happiest couples tend to stay away from those bigger fights, picking the more manageable battles instead.
For the study, published last month in the journal Family Process, researchers reached out to more than 100 couples who reported unusually high levels of marital bliss, asking them to rank the seriousness of various issues in their marriage from a list that included common tensions such as finances, sex, religion, and…
