Help Your Houseguests to Not Be Jerks
The 5 things you need to do so you don’t end up hating everyone
Houseguests, especially the type of houseguests who show up en masse around the holidays, can be a lot like dogs. They’re needy and thirsty and occasionally smelly; they’re constantly underfoot; they’re a weird combination of skittish and demanding. If it were socially acceptable, you’d give them a bone and tell them to go lie down and relax for a minute. “Bed!” you might say. “Go to your bed!”
But it’s not socially acceptable. And unlike dogs, houseguests complain about how they were broiling all night or freezing. They loiter in the kitchen flinging around their inquisitive cooking judgments — “Why flour and not cornstarch? I’ve always used cornstarch.” — when all you want is to whisk the gravy by yourself for five fucking minutes.
They’re picky (alas, you have only the oat milk they requested last time, which you heroically remembered to procure, but not the coconut coffee creamer they newly require) while remaining maddeningly wishy-washy (“Either, I don’t care” turns out to be the response that most makes me want to poke my own eye out with the corkscrew). They answer a work call at your breakfast table and hold up a finger to shush everybody (true story). They take it upon themselves to make paneer from scratch and…
