Enter the Drama Triangle

There’s an invisible (but controllable) force shaping your life’s conflicts

Photo by Sandro Katalina on Unsplash

Each day, we are constantly switching between dozens of roles. We act out unconscious scripts for what it means to be a partner, employee, friend, student, creator, patient, survivor, or any number of identities we assume.

The invisible rules that guide our behavior in each of these roles was imprinted on us years ago at an early age. From our families of origin, we pick up messages about how to deal with conflict and its sticky emotions, like anger, disappointment, and rejection, to name a few.

Conflict itself, while uncomfortable, is a natural, necessary part of human relationships. In fact, studies show that conflict (when handled appropriately) can be relationship-preserving. It can lead to creative problem solving, closeness, and solidarity. But when we don’t learn how to deal with conflict productively, we can get caught in dysfunctional coping patterns. And I’m no exception.

My fear of conflict was instilled early on. In my family, I played the role of peacekeeper, always vigilant to make sure no one was upset. If they were, I’d do my best to figure out how to fix it — with affection, apologizing, or trying to make everyone happy again, usually to no avail. Indeed, we all play roles, and mine…