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Controlling Others Means You’ve Lost Control
Overfunctioning is a common reaction to distress. A therapist explains how to let go.
Let’s try an exercise. Have you done any of these things in the past month?
- Assumed someone needed help without asking.
- Completed a task your child could do themselves.
- Lectured your parents about not leaving the house.
- Told your partner how or when to do their work.
- Took on someone’s work because you could do it faster.
- Argued with strangers on the internet.
If you answered yes, you might be making yourself overly responsible for others. Some people call it “controlling”; therapists call it “overfunctioning.” And as a therapist, I’ve been seeing it a lot lately. Anxiety has many different flavors, but overfunctioning is one common reaction to distress. And for many of us, the temptation to take charge — to shoo apart the people standing too close together on the sidewalk or make your spouse count out loud as they wash their hands — is stronger than ever right now.
In the short term, overfunctioning can be very effective. We wouldn’t boss people around, dispense unsolicited advice, or micromanage the group project if taking charge didn’t do anything to calm our nerves.
But like I tell my therapy clients, overfunctioning only works until it doesn’t. If anything, the past month has proven how little power we have over how people behave. We can’t control whether people choose to social distance or how our kids feel about virtual learning, yet we still feel responsible for shaping how people act and what they think. And we grow increasingly frustrated when they don’t comply. Here’s why overfunctioning hurts more than it helps — and what to do when you recognize yourself doing it.
Overfunctioning keeps people from growing
A funny thing happens when you treat people like they’re not capable: Eventually, they start to act like it. Your partner’s first several attempts at coming up with a pantry meal may have been disastrous, but taking over dinner prep seven nights a week doesn’t give them any room to get their…
