Controlling Others Means You’ve Lost Control

Overfunctioning is a common reaction to distress. A therapist explains how to let go.

Photo: Maskot/Getty Images

Let’s try an exercise. Have you done any of these things in the past month?

• Assumed someone needed help without asking.
• Completed a task your child could do themselves.
• Lectured your parents about not leaving the house.
• Told your partner how or when to do their work.
• Took on someone’s work because you could do it faster.
• Argued with strangers on the internet.

If you answered yes, you might be making yourself overly responsible for others. Some people call it “controlling”; therapists call it “overfunctioning.” And as a therapist, I’ve been seeing it a lot lately. Anxiety has many different flavors, but overfunctioning is one common reaction to distress. And for many of us, the temptation to take charge — to shoo apart the people standing too close together on the sidewalk or make your spouse count out loud as they wash their hands — is stronger than ever right now.

In the short term, overfunctioning can be very effective. We wouldn’t boss people around, dispense unsolicited advice, or micromanage the group project if taking…