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Can Parents and Nonparents Stay Friends?
Yes, but the friendship may need to evolve
Laura Vanderkam, the time management expert who wrote Off the Clock and Juliet’s School of Possibilities, is here to answer your scheduling questions. Check back every week for more advice, and send your own productivity problems to asklaura@medium.com. (Your name will not be used.)
Dear Laura: Since my friend had a kid two years ago, we’ve drifted apart. I’m not a parent, and it’s like we’re on two different schedules and wavelengths. We were very close, and it’s just not the same anymore. What’s the best way to maintain our bond?
One of the hard truths of adult life is that friendships aren’t easy to maintain, even without kids. Relationships are built around frequent, relaxed interactions. These are easy enough to engineer when you’re living in the same dorm and eating in the same cafeteria. You can even pull them off in young adulthood, when you’re free to grab a drink after work, have dinners that stretch late into the night, or watch sports together on the weekends.
But they get harder when more intensive work schedules and family responsibilities come into the picture. Your friend has welcomed a new and very needy person into the world, and consequently, spending time with friends has fallen a little farther down their priority list. Many friendships do not survive this transition, particularly as day-to-day interests diverge.
I know that sounds harsh. But because you have been so close, I don’t think that your friendship is doomed. You might not be the right audience for tales of diaper-rash woes (and your friend may no longer be your go-to for dating play-by-plays), but parents and nonparents can stay friends as long as the friendship itself can evolve. Here are some tried-and-true strategies:
Plan ahead
The first evolution of your relationship is that the rules of scheduling have to change. Unless your friend has an incredibly indulgent partner, last-minute get-togethers are going to be hard. But if you give your friend plenty of notice, they’re more likely to be able to switch a daycare pick up, trade weekend coverage with a spouse, or hire a sitter.
