Are You ‘Building Up Self’ or ‘Borrowing Self’?

How to rely less on others to boost your mood and functioning

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Humans are social creatures. Pay attention to any relationship, and you will see a small emotional economy of borrowing, lending, and trading. If you lend me some of your calmness when I’m distressed, then I’ll take over a task when it feels too overwhelming for you. If I give you praise, then you’ll function like a more responsible human.

There is nothing inherently wrong about what is called “borrowing self” from others. But when engaging others becomes our automatic way of calming down, finding motivation, or solving a problem, we set ourselves up for trouble. We experience steep drops in mood and functioning on a day where no one is willing to lend us any approval, attention, or assistance.

Here are a few ways you might be “borrowing self”:

• Relying on others to reassure you.
• Needing praise to boost productivity.
• Adopting popular beliefs to avoid upsetting others.
• Asking for advice before doing your own thinking.
• Borrowing societal definitions of success without thinking.
• Using someone else as a buffer at social gatherings.