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A Smarter Way to Fight With Your Partner
Research-backed strategies for handling relationship conflict
Relationship conflict, as with most things, is best in moderation.
On the one hand, fighting is a universally unpleasant experience. There’s even evidence that stress from repeated fighting can harm couples’ physical health. For example, this study found that day-to-day arguments between couples can exacerbate the symptoms of certain chronic illnesses. Another study found a link between hostile bickering and a higher incidence of leaky gut, a condition in which bacteria escape from the digestive tract into the bloodstream.
On the other hand, conflict isn’t always inherently a bad thing. On the contrary, some fighting is essential for the health of a relationship. “If you’re not fighting at all, this usually means it’s not safe enough to have differences,” says Mark B. Borg, a New York City-based clinical psychologist and co-author of Relationship Sanity: Creating and Maintaining Healthy Relationships. (In the leaky gut study, it’s worth noting, the findings didn’t apply to couples who calmly worked through their disagreements.)
It’s not easy to argue constructively, but it’s an essential skill to develop. And as you improve at it, your relationship improves, too. Below, experts lay out a mix of strategies — preventative, spontaneous, reflective — to help you successfully navigate troubled waters with your partner.
Identify, and then tweak, your fighting patterns.
Most people tend to fall into one of several categories when it comes to conflict resolution. Some try to stay away from disputes altogether, or withdraw from them (avoidant). Others can get fixated on winning the fight at all costs (competing). Still others will prematurely let go of their gripes in order to move on (accommodating). Unlike avoidant people, explains Katie Krimer, a New York City-based psychotherapist, those who tend to be more accommodating will engage in a fight; they’ll just bury the hatchet before things have truly been hashed out, often at the cost of ignoring their own concerns.
“Couples who are collaborative are really interested in working as a team…
