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A Parent’s Job: Be the Grit
We need to introduce challenge and conflict into our kids’ lives so they can learn how to overcome challenges and manage conflict
I made a new friend this winter. There are plenty of traits I appreciate: He’s a fantastic chef, and super handy, and says “yes” to every adventure. But the thing I most admire about Ryan is his parenting.
His boys (ages 10 and 12 when I met them) are polite. They can survive a six-hour road trip without an electronic device. The eldest makes bacon-and-egg breakfasts for the family. I know a superhero when I see one, and Ryan is a super dad. Sure, he has his off days, but in general, it’s easy to see that he’s rocking this parenting thing.
So I asked him to teach me his secrets. Here are the things he told me.
Parenting is a choice
At some point, you have to choose to parent. Not just to procreate, but to accept your role as a parent whose job it is to prepare your kid(s) for their own adult lives.
It’s hard to make this choice, partly because many people don’t realize that it’s a choice in the first place. You might think, “Of course I’m parenting. I’ve been ‘parenting’ since that first diaper.” But no. There’s a point when you switch tracks from survival mode (“please stop crying”) to parenting mode (“here’s how to wash your clothes”).
Actively parenting takes effort. It is the last thing anybody wants to do when they get home from work at the end of the day. It means choosing to put your own needs second and your kids first.
Ryan made this choice. After a series of “wake up” moments, he chose to be a dad to his kids. He stopped outsourcing them at every available opportunity and changed his focus from his own rowdy adventures to creating quality time with his boys.
In the early days of our friendship, I asked Ryan how mealtimes work at his house. Specifically, do they eat meals together?
His answer: Not only do they eat together at the table, but they also cook and wash up together. The boys ask to be excused, then clear the plates. After dinner, they play cards or backgammon or crib. They have conversations.
