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A Better Way to Check in Than ‘How Are You’
Why observations are more powerful than questions
Last year, when my son started kindergarten, my mom friends warned me that he might come home irritable the first few weeks. They were right: My normally happy-go-lucky five-year-old would trudge off the bus, throw his backpack on the entryway floor, and turn on the TV without a word (except to demand a bowl of Goldfish). When I asked about his day at dinner or at bedtime, he’d shut me down and change the subject.
It didn’t last long, thankfully, but I’ve spent the time since then wondering why a question as innocuous as “How was your day?” would prompt such a negative reaction. I recently found what seemed to be an answer in an Instagram post about how to get kids to talk about their feelings: Seattle-based therapist Lindsay Braman explained that such an open-ended prompt can increase anxiety, especially when you’re asking someone (like a five-year-old) to share emotions they don’t know how to explain.
Observations, on the other hand, cultivate connection by showing you’re paying attention, Braman explained in her post; that’s why she encourages parents to lead with statements like “You seem frustrated,” or “You’re full of smiles.”
It’s not just good advice for parents. Right now — especially as the holidays approach — we’re all experiencing some heightened feelings, including some we may not know how to process or explain. And as we look for ways to stay connected to the people we love from a distance, applying the same principle of observations before questions can encourage much-needed emotional vulnerability.
Observations “send the message that you notice changes in a person and are interested in knowing more about their experience, says New York-based psychologist Sabrina Romanoff, “all the while rejecting the superficial ‘how are you’ exchange and replacing it with genuine connection.”
Of course, talking to an adult friend or relative requires some different strategies (and…
